Wermacht — Elite Infantry, Master Model-Builder and Most Excellent Shop Kitty

 (Pronounced "wāre´mockt" or "vāre´mockt" depending...)

It will come as no surprise if you have never heard of the Elite Infantry Kitty, Wermacht... his activities are closely guarded by a government agency that you don't need to know about.

Nevertheless, at his request and with no regard for his personal safety, Wermacht has agreed to allow a short write-up for the sake of posterity.

Like others of his species, Wermacht began life as a conventional, general-purpose house cat.  Actually, I've come to believe he is a stand-off scale panther but I could be wrong about that.

When Wermacht first appeared on my doorstep to inform me that he was moving in, I thought he was a stray looking for a reliable food source and a human to torment.  I'm still not sure why he's here because he won't tell me.  But whatever...

For the first several weeks he did what all cats do - sleep 20 hours a day waking only to eat, answer calls to nature and look for things to kill.  Little did I know...

Wermacht the Master Model-Builder

One day Wermacht sauntered into my shop, leapt on to the bench and demonstrated his superior training and self-discipline to immediately put himself into a deep sleep.  When he woke a day or two later he totally surprised me by passing along a few tips for the project I was working on.

	Wermacht demonstrates a great way to dust small parts such as hardware that's been sitting on the bench getting covered with sawdust. Buy a paint strainer from your local Home Depot or Hardware store (about fifteen cents), pour the small parts in and put the strainer in the hose of your shop vac. He also mentioned that if I ever happen to give a live demonstration by turning on the shop vac when he's this close to it, that he'll jump on my face and claw my eyes out.
	Wermacht explains how a couple pieces of wood make a simple jig under the stabilizer to hold it level while it is glued in place. Now it's nap time.
	At the drafting table, Wermacht explains how to engineer a proper truss-work spar assembly. He also reworked my electric eraser to use battery packs that are not currently in use.  This keeps them cycled and in good shape rather than slowly going dead in a box somewhere. Try to draw more quietly please.
	Model-building is a physically and mentally rigorous activity requiring years of training and conditioning to have any hope of withstanding. Evidence to this statement is Wermacht as seen here after a particularly grueling plan review lasting nearly 15 minutes.

Wermacht the Warrior

There's not much to say here other than if you're squeamish, you probably don't want to be around when Wermacht enters Warrior mode.

I learned about his amazing skills when he chose to dispatch the infestation of dreaded feather balls on a string that had attached themselves all over the outside of the house.  They have not been back.

The following sequence of photos clearly demonstrates Wermacht's formidable predatory skills.  Way to go tiger!

Trust me.  You do not want to be a feather ball on a string in this neighborhood!

An Army of One

During a covert mission to expose enemy operatives known only as Gray Two and Orange Tabby One aka Orange Julius, Wermacht was forced to dig a hasty individual firing position to avoid detection and put himself in position to return fire if necessary.

The cowardly enemy was tipped to his presence by a double-agent.  The insurgent pair released biological weapons of mass destruction known as flea agents.

Having over-whelming numbers, these agents were able to flank Wermacht and break through his defenses.  Though vastly outnumbered, Wermacht eliminated hundreds of flea agents in a violent battle lasting days.  Exhausted and malnourished, brave Wermacht returned to base with many captives including several flea agent leaders.

A courageous medical team acted swiftly using chemical decontamination to save our fearless soldier.  Captured enemies were handed over to the CIA for interrogation and were taken to undisclosed secret locations.  Gray Two and Orange Julius fled immediately after releasing the WMD but when they next encounter Wermacht they will not be so lucky.

Wermacht bravely cleanses remnants of decontaminating solution from his fur.

Universal Laws of Shop Kitties

• All kitties are evil, but giving him steak occasionally will make him less belligerent because he really likes steak, but can't open refrigerator doors to get it himself and he's usually pretty good about not using explosives in the house.

• Always place kitty facing a direction other than you want him to go. This raises the odds of him going in a direction you do want him to go from 0% to 33%.

• Always keep a loaded rubber band gun within arms reach.

• Never poke kitty about the head and body with balsa sticks lest he come to believe that balsa wood is an evil adversary that must be sought out and destroyed.

• Never turn on the shop vac or air compressor when shop kitty is within 50 feet. His retribution will be swift and extremely unpleasant and usually involves him relieving his stress by relieving himself on your nearest model airplane.

• Use a glass workbench top and keep an area clear so kitty can see where he will jump. This will improve the possibility that he will land on the clear area instead of the wing you are building.

Games Shop Kitties Like to Play

• Kill the thing moving under the blanket

• Kill the gecko on the side of the house

• Kill the toad on the doorstep

• Drop the dead... or not... (gecko, toad, snake, lizard, bird, etc.) on the human's feet

• Kill the shaving from the razor plane that's circling slowly towards the floor

• Attack the evil spar as it is placed into the wing

• Bite and scratch anyone who pets kitty in a wrong place

• Attack the human's hair by digging the claws into the human's scalp when he leans over in kitty's face

• Fall asleep in the middle of the plan the human is drawing

• Kill the drafting pencil

• If it dangles, it dies

• Casually walk across the human's face because it happens to be in the path from... who cares?  It's anything on the other side of the human's face.

• One word:  Ping pong balls.  Cats love them.  Buy a half dozen for yours.  Many thanks to my co-worker, Margie, for this wonderful idea!

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